


Everything is you now and ever.

by heracotta



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Doctor!Kuroo, Established Relationship, Inferiority Complex, M/M, Museum Curator!Tsukishima, Slice of Life, but it's nothing serious, very mild angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26559229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heracotta/pseuds/heracotta
Summary: It was comfortable, Kuroo felt comfortable.Until he realized that perhaps he was - too comfortable. He learned that when it comes to Tsukishima, he was unexpectable.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 14
Kudos: 79
Collections: Luna & Noir: KuroTsuki Fest 2020





	Everything is you now and ever.

_People have some interesting ways of going in and out of each other's lives._

Despite losing contact with quite a number of friends and acquaintances he made through high school, Kuroo knew that he could be stumbling upon them again in some other unexpected places. Kuroo loves his connection, his network. He loves his school friends and his juniors, his friendly rivals from other schools and other prefectures. He appreciates every contribution into his life, even if they were brief. Every drop in his cup, every color streak on his canvas, every print on his heart. Some drops caused bigger ripples, some color streaks are bigger and brighter, some prints are bolder. Kuroo has managed to keep in touch, stay in contact and hold his connection intact with those who have blessed him with these significant marks.

Except for one.

The one who sent ripples in his cup in the most melodic way Kuroo has ever felt. The one who left a color streak with the most brilliant, glowing shade Kuroo has ever seen. The one who marked with such a bold print Kuroo could never ignore. Yet, he was also the one who slipped away so subtly, so quietly, so mismatched with the ways he affects Kuroo.

When Kuroo listed all the possible paths he could be meeting him again in the future, he didn’t expect to find this one in front of a 24 hours convenience store, at 2.04 in the morning when he suddenly felt like getting some pudding. Definitely not in his current attire, bright red T with cartoon cat huge in the center, baby pink pajama pants with paws pattern all over it. 

To be fair the store was situated on the ground floor of his apartment building. It was supposed to be a quick process of running in and then running back up. 

To be fair, the cashier was already used to seeing his face and his random attire. They probably have seen worse. By worse, Kuroo meant ridiculous. By ridiculous, Kuroo meant they weren’t as cute as cartoon cats and baby pink pajama pants with cutesy paws. It was supposed to be fine, it’s supposed to feel fine, going to the convenient store - very close to his apartment door, wearing one of his most comfortable attires.

But here he was, frozen in front of the said store’s door, hands all ready to peel open the lid of his pudding cup, mouth opened, eyes widened - an epitome of ungraceful sight - compared to what he always thinks as an ethereal beauty and god-crafted sculpture who is now standing in front of him.

Has the world’s fairy somehow sprinkled its finest dust on this one? Because despite being dressed in a blinding yellow hoodie with a cute frog head on it (but better pants than Kuroo’s), he’s still so beautiful to him. 

The one drop that sent melodic ripples, the one with glowing color streak, the one with bold print Kuroo couldn’t and wouldn’t want to get rid of. And if Kuroo didn’t melt here by the warm sounds of his voice, greeting him, he would melt on his bed later. Or in front of his door. Or after he has finished his pudding.

Just like how easily, quietly, subtly he slipped out of Kuroo’s life at one point in the past; Tsukishima Kei has once again made his way into it.

People have an interesting way of going in and out of each other's lives, and Kuroo definitely didn’t expect that he’d return this way. Even with Tsukishima around now, Kuroo was not expecting anything grand.

* * *

Really, Kuroo was not expecting anything grand when he saw that pretty face again. He was not expecting grand things when they managed to hold longer conversations, exchanging contacts, promises for lunches or dinners together (for the sake of catching up, Kuroo said). He was happy enough that Tsukishima did not just bolt away and try to disappear again. Kuroo never asked or wondered how they got drifted apart in the past, although ‘drifted apart’ might not be the correct words for it. It does not matter now, Kuroo thought.

Tsukishima was here now and he stayed.

Kuroo was not expecting anything grand when the accidental meeting in front of the convenient store turned to one year, two years and three years of friendship. He definitely was not expecting anything grand when Tsukishima, who used to live in the apartment building next to his, moved in as his new roommate when he suggested it. He was really not expecting anything too monumental when Tsukishima accepted that offer - not only without thinking too long before deciding, but also with a tiny smile at the corner of his lips and eyes a little brighter.

Kuroo was not expecting anything grand, but boy he thought maybe he could hope a little.

* * *

Kuroo was on his trip to the outskirts for a few days and he forgot to charge his phone to full the night before, so he went with his phone almost running out of battery . He did not think much of it. He did not think much of it either when his team found out that the signals were all messed up in that secluded area. They would be there for only three days. They did not think much of it. Kuroo did not think too much of it.

When he said he was not expecting anything grand happening between him and Tsukishima, he really wasn’t.

But when he returned home three days after to a distraught Tsukishima, looking like a mess when he stumbled in a hurry to open the door for Kuroo very shortly after he rang the bell; he felt like maybe he can hope a little. He was not expecting to see such heartbreaking expressions from Tsukishima, like all his strong facade was smashed and cracked open without mercy.

Tsukishima looked like a mess, and soon Kuroo’s insides turned into a mess - when Tsukishima lunged forward to hug him the moment he opened the door wide enough. There was desperation in the way he squeezed Kuroo, not letting Kuroo to even free his arms. There was desperation in the way he fisted Kuroo’s shirt, and squeezed tighter when he felt Kuroo inhaled. There was definitely desperation in the way Tsukishima whispered Kuroo’s name, muffled by his shoulder.

During the three days Kuroo went on a trip, when he did not think much about his phone being out of batter and without signals, Tsukishima rapidly went frantic. Because he couldn’t reach Kuroo.

Because he was worried for Kuroo.

Because he missed Kuroo.

~~Because he couldn’t think of a world without Kuroo.~~

Because Kuroo forgot to charge his phone to full the night before his trip and later stuck in a place without signal.

Kuroo tried to make it lighter, as usual. He teased Tsukishima, tossed light flirty tones about how he couldn’t stay away from him long, and that he can’t stay away from Tsukishima for long too. 

Kuroo was not expecting him to blurt his heart out after.

“You don’t understand,” Tsukishima said “It wasn’t just that I couldn't stay long without you. I missed you,” he continued. “I really like you, Kuroo-san. I really, really like you, and I’ve noticed that I haven’t said that yet. That I haven’t told you yet. And I was so scared that I couldn’t have the chance to tell you,”

It took him a while to digest everything in, with disbelief - probably painted all over his face in the wrong way, because Tsukishima was slowly pulling away. He was slowly pulling away while trying to search for something in Kuroo’s face, as if he realized that he had made a mistake and said something that Kuroo wouldn’t want to hear. It was when he loosened his vice grip on Kuroo’s hands that Kuroo snapped out of his trance, scrambling to catch his arms again. He held Tsukishima there, he held him grounded.

And boy, when he stared into the beautiful colors of Tsukishima’s eyes, he realized the fear in it and with that he felt his own fear dissipated. Fears that had been holding them back. Fear for falling, fear for failing - but despite it all, they want _them_ to happen. 

“You don’t understand,” Kuroo echoed him. “I was trying to say that I love you,” 

And perhaps Tsukishima too found something when he searched Kuroo’s face, with the way his eyes slowly widened. Kuroo could clearly see the way they’re slowly reddened, slowly getting a little watery, but before it gets any more embarrassing for Tsukishima’s own standard, Kuroo was once again engulfed in the warmth he wasn’t expecting to receive along with confession and realization.

It was not anything grand, but Kuroo did not expect silky smooth progression in his relationship with Tsukishima after the teary confession; but smooth progression they have. The shy touches became bolder, and the friendly ones became intimate. It was unexpected the way Tsukishima lean so much into his touch, almost as if he was craving for it - not in any way Kuroo thought his boyfriend would behave. Tsukishima did not shy away from saying the magic words too, but only in private, because PDA remains his woe. That part was expected, so Kuroo didn’t mind. He got to hear it for himself, he’s okay with that. Tsukishima’s fear of losing Kuroo (just like Kuroo’s fear of losing Tsukishima) made him become even more transparent with him. Down with the wall he constantly built and reinforced whenever he was around Kuroo. They both learned to share, learned to rely on each other, learned to grow as a person along with each other.

It was comfortable, Kuroo felt comfortable.

Until he realized that perhaps he was - too comfortable. He learned that when it comes to Tsukishima, he was unexpectable. 

* * *

“Kei, come on baby. Sleep in the bed,”

Kuroo’s soft whispers easily stirred Tsukishima awake, and Kuroo fondly watched him slowly cracked one eye open, searching for something until his gaze fell on Kuroo’s face. It was always a sight Kuroo enjoyed watching, when Tsukishima was trying to pull himself out of slumber. The way he tried to make sense of the blurry world without glasses but never failed to miss Kuroo’s face especially when he hovered around watching him.

It was another night of Tsukishima falling asleep on the couch, feet dangling over the armrest, half hugging the dinosaur plush he was so fond of.

“Did you just get home?”

“Yeah,”

“What time is it now?”

“A little over 4 AM,”

It was another night of Tsukishima taking a pause after the same set of questions and answers. He stared at Kuroo’s face for a few seconds before reaching out to trace his jaw with a light feathered touch and cupped one side of Kuroo’s face. It was another night Kuroo allowed himself to lean into the touch and brought his own hand to cup over Tsukishima’s on his cheek.

There are a lot of things you can expect to happen because you know yourself.

There are also a lot of things you can expect to happen because you know the person, people around you, or things around you.

There is security in knowing that allows you to anticipate the way you could calculate it. There is comfort in that security. And there is carelessness in that comfort. 

It was another night of the same exchanges, the same routines, the same queries & the same feedback. The familiarity of the routines and the understanding looks Kuroo has been receiving ever since they fell into that habit - allowed Kuroo to think that it can’t be helped. What Kuroo did not expect was how it’s slowly eating away at Tsukishima, how he steadily builds different kinds of wall behind his old ones. What Kuroo did not expect was how close the new walls are to his heart, like it was the last line of defense to his feelings.

Kuroo was not expecting any of those.

* * *

Tsukishima was never big on talking. He doesn’t talk a lot in general but he said more words when he was with Kuroo, because Kuroo was special like that. So Kuroo knows when he was saying too little and not enough. And Tsukishima got busier, or so he thought. He was usually already home for a few hours when Kuroo finally arrived, but lately, and sometimes, he could match Kuroo with how late he got home. He didn’t change the routine much, and no affection was lessened, but Kuroo knew that something shifted, that he was saying too little.

It was the way Tsukishima frowned a little too hard when Kuroo came back with hard rounds that day. It was the way his smiles were looking a little broken when Kuroo told about the lives he and his team saved, or the way he squeezed his hands a little too hard when Kuroo told him about those that weren’t so fortunate.

It was the way Tsukishima took a little longer to fall asleep, despite having reached home late; as opposed to how quick he surrendered to slumber before.

It felt disconnected. It felt lonely.

When Kuroo decided to casually talk about it with Shirabu the next few days, his colleague suggested to take a day or two off.

“Eita gets like that once in a while. Perhaps it helped to avoid making it feel like you’re just sharing a bed together,” And he couldn’t even deny being rendered speechless by the last sentence.

Kuroo was not expecting the familiarity to become a bane of their comfortable way of living with each other.

* * *

“Do you have some free time next week?”

The question seemed to startle Tsukishima a little, with the way his eyes widened at it, the way it flashed a little with excitement and hope, but died just as quickly. He turned back to his task collecting their empty mugs. “I- maybe I do. I need to check my schedule for this week. I’m afraid it’s piling up and we have to carry it forward next week,”

“What’s gotten you so busy?” Kuroo realize how heavy his question was laced with disappointment - which he didn’t expect to - but it was out and he hoped his boyfriend would interpret it differently. Or maybe not, because Tsukishima froze in the middle of tidying up their coffee table. Kuroo could just stare at the way he slowly placed his mug back on the surface.

“We just - we got a new specimen shipment in and there was a lot to catalogue,”

“Can you get some free time?”

“I will try. If the schedule-”

“So the schedule is more important than some free time for me? You realized I was trying to ask you for a free time for us, right?” Kuroo didn’t know what made him mad, but with every words out he regretted it. 

“I’m sorry Tetsu I didn’t realize,”  
  
“What did you realize then? I was asking if you have a free time,”

“That perhaps maybe you’d like some help running some errands from me?”

“Even if that’s the reason-- Kei, are you running away from me?”

Kuroo didn’t miss the way Tsukishima’s face dropped almost immediately from the question, like he was caught. Like he was guilty, and it made him angrier.

“I wasn’t running away or anything, Tetsu,”

“Then what? You’ve never been that busy, yet lately you got home almost as late as me. You talk less, too, you answer my long question with one or two short ones. I know you’re not big on talking Kei, but I also know when it was too little even for me.”

“It’s not running away. I just got a little busy, just like you got busy too,”

“Yes! But I’m a doctor! I’m out there saving lives! Trying to save lives!”

Immediately Kuroo wished he could take back the words that left his mouth. It was too harsh, too punishing, even to his ears. Just then he knew he’s screwed. Kuroo definitely didn’t miss the way it stunned Tsukishima. Didn't miss the way he sounded like he was jabbing at Tsukishima’s profession for being ‘less’ than what he did, even when he was aware that it wasn’t true at all. Didn't miss the way life drained from Tsukishima’s face, at the same time the wall he didn’t notice steadily building before - now completely shielding him.

“I know,”

“Wait, Kei - I didn’t mean - no I didn’t mean that your job is not important or any less or-”

“It’s okay, Tetsurou. I already knew,” Tsukishima folded his hands together on his lap, not leaving his sight on them. “I will never get to your level, nor be as important as you. You’re doing a good job, you’re excellent with it too, doing it for people. I’m just -- looking at the remnants, studying it like it was any important at all. I save nothing, I gain nothing, I give nothing. Was never anything. And I thought-”

Kuroo quickly scrambled towards his boyfriend and kneeled in front of him, grabbing the folded hands in his attempt to stop his boyfriend from bringing himself further down, but Tsukishima didn’t let go. He even gripped them harder into his lap. Kuroo tried to pry open his fingers while looking up to his face. “No no no Kei that’s not true and you know it. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry Kei. I didn’t actually think that I’m that better than you, I-”

“I thought if I work harder, I could at least feel a little more useful in life.” Tsukishima trudges on, ignoring his sputtered words. Kuroo halted mid babbling. “Like the way you do,”

He wished he could say anything to that but with the way Tsukishima’s voice trembled subtly and the way he tried to school his face into the nonchalant ones that he always had on, Kuroo could only try once again to hold his stubbornly folded hands. Tsukishima grips slackened slowly and it allowed Kuroo to slot their fingers together.

He has to try. He has to say something. Tsukishima didn’t say anything more but he glanced up to look at Kuroo after staring at their joined hands for a while. He was glad that his boyfriend didn’t continue further and he would take this chance to say his mind.

“Kei, I’m sorry. I just wanted to have a couple of free days so we can spend it together. I-I know I approached it wrongly, I got impatient when you said you were busy. I forgot that the reason I’ve applied for the leave was because I was feeling that you’re getting quieter, that we hardly see each other. I forgot that it was me who was getting too involved with work-”

“It’s important. Your job is important, you are important. It’s true that I got a little… lonely, but that’s only because I wasn’t doing enough. Nevermind other people, I want to be enough for you. I got too swept up with being comfortable with you. I got too comfortable,” Tsukishima’s attention went back to their joined hands but still did not pull away.

Kuroo knew then that if he didn’t do anything, Tsukishima would push himself further into the dark pit he always thought he belonged to. Tsukishima doesn’t need anyone to kick him down there, he’s perfectly capable of doing it himself - and Kuroo wanted to stop that. He realized that it wasn’t just him, the way they’re getting comfortable with each other. Amidst that comfort there were worries too, and it wasn’t just him.

Kuroo and Tsukishima were not so different at all. Both of them were afraid that they weren’t enough for each other, trying to solve it, yet still hurting themselves in the process. And Kuroo knew they could just talk. They could just let each other know.

“Kei. You are a lot more than you think of yourself. You’re everything to me,” Kuroo tightened his grip, making his boyfriend look at him again. His fingers were cold, they were shaking a little and Kuroo wished his warmth could help. His next words fell into whispers. “How did we even get here?”

Tsukishima blinked and swallowed slowly. “You were trying to make time. I was trying to be better,”

“Yeah. We were trying for each other. We were doing it for each other. Are we not?”

“I know you were,”

“And so were you,” Tsukishima blinked a couple more times at Kuroo’s insistence. “Kei, I’m taking a few days off. I want to spend that little time with you. I wish I can get more, but until I can comfortably do so, two days is enough for me and I want to spend the whole two days with you. We could do anything. If you don’t want to go out, we can stay at home. We can cook or if you want to have deliveries that’s fine too. I just want to stop making it feel like we’re just sharing a bed, like we’re just roommates or anything less than boyfriends living together who are so much in love with each other. I’ll listen to you, I’ll pay more attention to you,”

“Tetsu, you’ve already done so much. You’ve listened and you’ve paid attention,”

“No, I don’t feel like I’ve done enough. Like you’ve said, I’ve gotten too comfortable too. With the way you’ve never complained, the way you understood my job, and me. I knew sometimes you'll need reassurance from me too but I’ve failed to give even that. If you’ve managed to go so far as thinking that you’re not enough, it means I’ve left you alone with your thoughts far too long,”

Decided that his knees were suffering enough from kneeling, Kuroo rose on his feet and took a seat beside Tsukishima on the couch, hands still held together. Tsukishima followed his movement warily, trying to figure out what Kuroo wanted to do or say next, but Kuroo just fixated his eyes on their hands. He traced his boyfriend’s fingers lightly with his thumbs, feeling the touch and allowed his words to form properly in his head.

Kuroo remembered when he met with Tsukishima again, it was unexpected. When they were reconnecting, he told himself he didn’t expect anything big. When their friendship quickly progressed much closer than they’ve ever been before, he didn’t expect anything big. Tsukishima’s confession, albeit was half distressed? It was unexpected. The way Tsukishima initiated and got involved with their relationship was also unexpected. He wasn’t even playing hard to get. Tsukishima knew what he wanted and he was chasing it. So different from when the first time Kuroo met him. It was - unexpected. 

Unexpectedly, like how Tsukishima began to build another wall closer to himself after Kuroo managed to bring the old ones down. Unexpectedly, like now, like the way he realized that he didn’t have to do much for ‘Kuroo and Tsukishima’ to work. There’s nothing much to do. They unexpectedly happened, like he told himself. It was easy.

Only in reality it wasn’t. Kuroo realized with the unorthodox ways Tsukishima operated and constantly caught him off guard. He didn’t have to do much. If Tsukishima thought he got too comfortable with how Kuroo unconditionally loved him, Kuroo guessed that he got too comfortable with the way Tsukishima quietly understood him. It made him thinks of the many days he would always find Tsukishima asleep on the couch waiting for him. He has stopped apologizing for arriving home late because Tsukishima would always understand.

Kuroo brought their joined hands to his lips and gently kissed Tsukishima’s fingers. He glanced up to look at his boyfriend in the eyes. His beautiful eyes.

“Kei, did you know I love you?”

“You’ve told me,”

“I’ve told you, but did you tell yourself that ‘yes, Kuroo loves me’?” Before Tsukishima could take his gaze away from Kuroo and tried to hide his face, Kuroo brought another hand up to hold his cheek in place, swiping gently at his cheekbone with his thumb. “I love you. Okay? I really do. You’re doing enough. I mean, we will never be enough judging from our standard - but I love you, your high and your low, the good and bad, everything about you, because those were what makes you, and it was the same You that I fell in love with,”

When Tsukishima couldn’t reply to that, Kuroo continued on. “We will always try to get better, okay? Me and you. Isn’t this about Kuroo and Tsukishima?”

Tsukishima gave him a teary smile before cupping the hand on his cheek with his own. “You’re a sap Tetsu,”

Ignoring his weak jab, Kuroo pulled his boyfriend’s face closer before kissing him on the nose. “Or do you want it to be Kuroo and Kuroo?” And he laughed at the way Tsukishima’s face very quickly drenched in the shade of red.

“So free days next week?”

“Free days next week,” Tsukishima nodded.

“The specimen-”

“You're a better specimen," Tsukishima chuckled at the way Kuroo 'oohs' and wiggled his eyebrows following that comment. "I’ll manage them. If you can do it, I can do it too,”

“That’s my Kei." A peck. "My everything.”

The last words were intentionally said to embarrass Tsukishima further and he expected a pillow or a palm on his face, but the way it rendered Tsukishima speechless and flushed with glaring red was just as satisfying, if not more.

_-_

> People have an interesting way of going in and out of each other's lives - but the most rewarding ones to learn is the way they would fight to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #48: You are a lot more than you think of yourself. You’re everything to me.


End file.
